


Looking for Angels

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Bisexual Dean, Bullying, Coming Out, Confusion, Depression, Divorce, Drug Abuse, F/M, Gen, High School, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Transgender Castiel, Transphobia, Violence, selg harm, sucidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 07:05:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3927448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak has known for years he's in the wrong body. How long will it take for everyone else to see it too?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything like this before. It's a bit different. And the beginning chapters(first three) will deal a lot with Cas and his family. I hope you stick with me.

Six years old:

 

Claire carefully dabbed the lipstick on her brother's lips. Her little eight year old  eyes were narrowed, brows knitted together while Castiel sat as patiently as he could. She slapped his knee lightly.

 

"Stop moving!"

 

"I'm not!"

 

"Do you want me to mess up?" Castiel shook his head slowly, straightened his back and closed his eyes. They had to be quick about this. Their mother would have a fit if she found them. But she was finalizing the divorce from daddy and she's taken Alfie with her. So they were safe for now.

 

Castiel and Claire had been doing this for as long as he could remember. Ever since he first told her he liked pretty dresses and mommy's make up. He wanted to be pretty like her. He didn't know what it was, he just knew he was different. Claire liked that Castiel let her dress him up like a living doll. So it'd become a ritual. A secret one. Only done when no one else was around. And they were lucky mommy couldn't afford a babysitter at the moment.

 

"Here," Claire smiled proudly, holding a mirror up to Castiel's face. He smiled at his reflection, squirming with excitement in the satin Sunday morning dress Claire was letting him wear. His eyes had thick amounts of mascara and smeared deep blue eyeshadow over his eyelids. His lips a fuschia pink and his cheeks rosy. He stared at himself in awe, touching his cheek gently.

 

"I'm beautiful." He whispered to himself. Claire grinned and kissed his cheek. She pulled him up and pushed him to the full length mirror so he could see all of himself. He blushes deeply when he caught his reflection. The baby blue dress swelled around his ankles, billowing out when he twirled.

 

"You make a very pretty girl Castiel." Castiel smiled at his big sister in the mirror, pleased with the compliment.

 

"I wish I was a girl." Claire opened her mouth to say more when they heard the front door open. His eyes widened in alarm and Claire reached out, tugging on the dress. Their mother's footsteps approached.

 

"Hey you two! We're back and we got pi...zza." Amelia Novak's voice trailed off to silence as she observed her children. Castiel half in, half out of Claire's dress, makeup smeared on his face, Claire looking down guiltily.

 

"Uh oh," Alfie, the baby, said from his perch on his mother's hip. Castiel swallowed hard. Uh oh was right.

 

-0-

 

"Have you done this before?" Amelia's tone was short and clipped. Castiel's eyes were downcast. She wiped the makeup from his face as best she could.

 

"A....a couple times...." Amelia sighed, shaking her head. She reached out and grabbed Castiel's chin, tilting his blue eyes to her.

 

"Castiel this has to stop. You can't act out like this. Do you wanna go live with daddy?" Castiel shook his head in fear. Amelia pulled him into her arms, hugging him tightly. "Promise me Castiel. Promise me you won't do this anymore."

 

"But mom-"

 

"Promise me."

  
"I promise," Castiel said in a small quiet voice. His little shoulders trembled and he held onto his mother. 'But I'm not a boy.' He thought. 'I'm not supposed to be a boy.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still just setting the stage for the actual story. So it's part of the prologue. Please enjoy.

Fourteen Years Old:

 

Amelia was containing her anger as best she could. The first day of school. They couldn't wait one fucking day! They had to start acting out the very first day. She barreled into the lobby of the school and made her way to the office. When she got ahold of those two.

 

Claire was sitting in a chair outside the principal's office. A wet rag held against her cheek. Her eyes shot open in alarm when she saw her mother. Amelia raised her hand, cutting her off.

 

"You couldn't resist. You had to start something on the first day?" Claire raised her chin and clenched her jaw. The door to the principal's office opened before Claire could be further lectured. Castiel came out, head down and ice pack under his bleeding now nose. Her cheeks pulsed with blood when she saw the paint on his nails and the mascara on his eyes. The principal looked at Amelia with annoyance.

 

"I'll talk to him. I'll talk to both of them," he was a balding man, with fat lips and a big gut. He cleared his throat, pushing Castiel forward gently.

 

"Please remind your son this behavior isn't tolerated on school grounds....it's distracting to the other students." Amelia could feel judgemental eyes all around her.

 

"And the students who did this to my children?"

 

"They will be punished as well. We'll see to it." Amelia nodded, ushering her children out of the school and back to the car. The ride home was silent.

 

-0-

 

"Claire go upstairs. I need to speak with your brother." Claire threw Castiel a sympathetic look before trudging upstairs to her room. Castiel slowly sat down across from his mother, her gaze was hard, but understanding.

 

Claire looked like their mother. Blonde hair, blue eyes, full lips. He took after their father, black hair, blue eyes, athletic build. He hated it.

 

"Castiel I need you to talk to me. Why are you doing this?" Castiel but his lip. A storm of emotions whirled within him, he didn't know how to put everything into words. "Are you acting out because of your father? Do you need help?" He scoffed at that, shaking his head. Amelia reached for his hand, he yanked it back, black mascara running down his cheeks. "Please," she asked weakly. "Talk to me."

 

"You don't wanna talk." He sniffles, eyes downcast.

 

"I'm asking."

 

"But you don't," he snapped, "you're going to tell me what you've been telling me for years. That it's just a phase, I'll grow out of it. Well I'm sorry mom! This isn't a phase! I'm not acting out or pretending or looking for attention. There's something wrong and it started the day I was born!" Castiel's voice broke into soft, wrecked sobs. Amelia moved slowly, gently moving around to place a hand on her son's shoulder. He flinched, but didn't jerk away.

 

"Honey God made you perfectly. He made you a boy. That's what you are. And He loves you." Castiel laughed humorlessly and stood up, looking his mother in the eye for the first time. His eyes were red rimmed and glistening with tears.

 

"God wouldn't come near me with a ten foot pole."

 

"Castiel!" Amelia called after her son but he left, running up to his room, she jumped when the door slammed. "Lord help me," she mumbled rubbing her temples. What to do? What to do?

 

"Mom?" She lifted her head. Claire stood in the entrance to the kitchen, shuffling on her feet. Amelia sighed, sitting back in her chair.

 

"I didn't tell you to come out of your room yet did I?" Claire ignored her and stepped forward, a small business card in her hand. She held it out to her mother. "What's this?"

 

"Castiel's been seeing this therapist for a while. A kid at school is the therapist's son and they agreed to see him for free....I think you should talk to them. Castiel....what's going on with him isn't that strange or weird at all." Amelia took the card, scanning the name and address carefully. Why was her son seeing a therapist without her permission. "And mom," Amelia looked back at her daughter. "God made the Angels genderless. Because they were too special. Aunt Hannah says Castiel is just like them. God didn't make him a boy or girl, because he was too special." She pecked her mother's stunned cheek with a light kiss and hurried to her little brother's room.

 

-0-

 

"Stop Cas." Claire gripped her brother's arm, pulling the blade from his hand. He sighed in defeat as she grabbed tissues to clean his bleeding wrists. This is what Castiel did. When she was forced to be something she wasn't. Claire cleaned his wrists and kissed the scars there softly. "I hate seeing the you like this."

 

"You're the only one who cares." Claire smiled and ruffled Cas's hair.

 

"That's not true. Momma loves you," Cas turned his eyes to his sister. She was taken aback by the look on his face. One of sheer desperation.

 

"I'm serious Claire. I'd rather die than keep living this lie," he looked down at his hands, palms up, open on his lap. "There's so much pain. It hurts so much. I just want it to go away." Warm tears fell into his hands. Claire curled up in Cas's bed and pulled him into her side. She stroked his hair and kissed him softly, killing him to relax against her. The only friend he had.

  
"It's okay Cas. Everything is gonna be okay."


End file.
